What Is Covert Depression in Men? Deep Dive into the Hidden Struggles
You’re functional. Maybe even successful. But inside? It’s silent. Numb. Tense.
If that sentence landed somewhere deep in your chest or behind your eyes, keep reading. This article isn’t about brokenness. It’s about buried pain and what happens when we bring it into the light.
Covert depression in men is real, and it’s more common than you think. Unlike classic depression, it doesn’t always look like sadness or tears. It hides in plain sight in anger, overworking, withdrawal, and numbness.
I froze, controller in hand, while the game’s music kept playing in the background. The first time he raged, it was like thunder in the kitchen. It came out of nowhere and it put my system into complete shock. My breath locked. My body went still. Looking back, I now recognize it as a freeze response.
My dad, well-mannered, charismatic but stoic, confident but humble, was caught in a lie by my mom and his system couldn’t handle the shame he was in. I saw him differently from this point on.
Now, in his seventies, my father still shows signs of depression. But with age, his symptoms have softened. What once erupted as anger now shows up as sadness, sometimes even tears. I only wish he had the courage or maybe just the language to reach out for help when he needed it most.
Author and therapist Terry Real, in his groundbreaking book I Don’t Want to Talk About It, coined the term "covert depression" to describe this unspoken reality many men live with. His work shines a compassionate light on how culture, trauma, and patriarchy have created generations of men who suffer silently.
Let’s walk through what covert depression is, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to begin healing.
Why Covert Depression in Men Often Goes Unnoticed
We live in a culture where boys are told early on, "Don’t cry," "Toughen up," and "Be a man." Those messages grow into emotional habits and emotional limitations.
Many men never had emotional role models growing up. They may have witnessed anger or detachment but not tenderness or vulnerability. Emotional vocabulary is often underdeveloped. Instead of expressing sadness, men are taught to express strength or to suppress emotion altogether.
And then there’s the patriarchy, a system that not only oppresses women but harms men too. It sets an unreachable standard for what it means to be a man: dominant, stoic, and in control. Under this system, feminine traits like empathy, vulnerability, and softness are devalued, leaving men disconnected from the full range of their humanity.
Terry writes, “Boys, by contrast [to girls], are greatly encouraged to develop their public, assertive selves, but they are systematically pushed away from the full exercise of emotional expressiveness and the skills for making and appreciating deep connection.”
So what happens? That pain gets buried. And covert depression becomes a survival strategy, not a conscious choice.
10 Hidden Symptoms of Depression in Men You Might Miss
Not all depression looks like crying in bed or feeling hopeless. Here are signs of covert depression that often go unnoticed:
Irritability and short temper
Escapism: compulsive work, pornography, alcohol, or substance use
Violence or domestic abuse as expressions of suppressed emotion
Overachievement that masks internal collapse
Emotional numbness: feeling disconnected from joy, sorrow, and everything in between
Isolation and withdrawal from family, friends, or community
Chronic dissatisfaction, purposelessness, or restlessness
Sarcastic humor, cynicism, or avoidance of deeper conversation
Pretending everything is fine, even when it’s not ("high-functioning depression")
Unexplained physical symptoms, like back pain, tension headaches, or insomnia
Your body keeps the score. And sometimes, it tells the story your words can’t yet express.
Understanding the Root Causes of Hidden Depression in Men
Covert depression isn’t just about attitude. It often has roots in trauma: emotional loss, abandonment, childhood neglect, or cumulative stress.
Men often learn to survive by creating a “false self”, a persona built to meet expectations. But over time, this split from authenticity takes a toll.
Feelings of shame, grief, and fear get locked in the body. Because emotional pain has nowhere to go, it gets rerouted through aggression, addiction, or apathy.
Somatic frameworks, like polyvagal theory, help explain what’s happening beneath the surface. Many men who seem numb or detached are actually in a dorsal vagal state, a nervous system shutdown response. It’s not laziness or lack of care. It’s biology. It’s survival.
And it can shift. But first, we have to name it.
High-Functioning vs. Covert Depression: What’s the Difference?
High-functioning depression, also known as dysthymia, is a persistent low mood that doesn’t fully derail daily life. You get up. You go to work. You smile. But there’s a weight.
Covert depression, on the other hand, is more deeply hidden. It shows up in behaviors that are socially rewarded: ambition, independence, performance. But underneath it all is deep emotional pain.
Think of the man who always says, "I’m good." He’s successful, reliable, and driven. But inside? He feels alone, exhausted, and unsure why.
That man could be your friend, your brother, your partner, or you.
Pathways to Healing Hidden Depression in Men
As Terry Real writes, the way out of covert depression is through overt depression.
“The covertly depressed person cannot merely vault over the avoided pain directly into wholeness, as hard as he may try. The only real cure for covert depression is overt depression… He must allow the pain to surface, then he may resolve his hidden depression by learning about self-care and healthy esteem.”
That means finally feeling what’s been unfelt: grief, sadness, loss, and fatigue.
Feeling is the beginning of healing.
Here’s what that path can look like:
Men’s retreats offer a safe container for men to heal depression, like this one at Spirit Camp.
Somatic work: Start with the body: sensations, breath, and grounding
Somatic Experiencing and trauma-informed movement practices
Therapy with a practitioner who understands men’s unique emotional landscape
Join a men’s group that values emotional safety and authenticity
Try coaching that blends nervous system regulation with real-world action
Attend a somatic retreat, like SHIFT or MELD, to reset in community
Rituals: nature walks, breathwork, journaling, slow mornings, and crying without shame
You don’t need to fix yourself. You just need to feel yourself—fully, gently, and with support.
What to Do If You Think a Man You Love Has Covert Depression
You don’t need to diagnose him. You just need to stay close. Here are some ways to offer support:
Ask open-ended questions: “How have you been feeling lately—really?”
Avoid pressure or shaming language
Reflect back what you see with care: “I’ve noticed you seem tired and withdrawn lately.”
Share a story, podcast, or article like this one
Encourage therapy, coaching, men’s groups, or retreats that focus on nervous system healing
Keep showing up, even if he pushes you away at first
Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is: “You’re not alone. I’m here.”
FAQs About Covert Depression in Men
What is covert depression in men?
It’s a form of hidden depression that doesn’t look like typical sadness. Instead, it shows up as anger, overachievement, numbness, or isolation.
What are subtle signs of male depression?
Irritability, emotional shutdown, substance use, escapism, or chronic disconnection from purpose and joy. It's common for men to not even feel the symptoms of depression. This is why somatic-based therapies are important for men, because it teaches them how to feel in their body.
Can anger or violence be symptoms of depression?
Yes. Unprocessed emotional pain often shows up as rage, control, or aggression.
Is depression different in men than women?
It can be. Many men externalize emotional pain instead of expressing it inwardly. That’s why it’s often missed. And because we live in a culture that is afraid to call out depression, many men who experience depression go unchecked.
What role does the patriarchy play in men’s mental health?
The patriarchy tells men to suppress their emotions and devalue feminine traits, cutting them off from essential parts of themselves.
What kind of support helps?
Somatic therapy, men’s groups, coaching, trauma retreats, and practices that reconnect men with their bodies and emotions.
Covert Depression Isn’t a Defect. It’s a Signal.
If you see yourself in this article, please hear this:
You’re not broken. You’re remembering. And it’s not too late to change.
The irritability, the shutdown, the pushing people away—they’re not who you are. They’re survival strategies your body learned a long time ago.
Your nervous system wants relief. Your body wants to feel. Your heart wants to soften.
In I Don’t Want to Talk About It, Terry Real writes:
"Depression is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign that we have been strong for too long."
Let this be your sign. To pause. To listen. To feel.
Take the First Gentle Step Toward Feeling Alive Again
Healing starts with one decision: to stop hiding.
Here’s how you can begin:
Book a free consultation call to talk through what’s coming up
Join MELD Core, a 10-week somatic training for men
Attend SHIFT Men’s Retreat for a somatic reset in community
Download our free guide: 20 Free Practices to Support Your Mental Health-- Starting Today
You don’t have to carry it alone. And you don’t have to feel everything all at once.
Safely. Somatically. In your own time.
That’s what healing can look like.
Here are some other resources to check out:
