Signs of Depression in Men: How High-Functioning Men in Oakland Quietly Struggle (and What Actually Helps)

When most people search for signs of depression in men, they are expecting to see words like sadness, hopelessness, or despair. And while those experiences absolutely exist, they are not always the way depression first shows up in the men I used to work with in Oakland and the San Francisco Bay Area. More often, what I hear sounds quieter and harder to name. It sounds like, “I’m just tired.” Or, “Nothing’s really wrong, I just don’t feel much.” These are men who are functioning. They are running companies, leading teams, raising kids, paying mortgages, staying informed about the world. From the outside, their lives look stable. From the inside, something feels muted.

I remember a client who sat across from me and said, “I don’t think I’m depressed. I’m just… flat.” He wasn’t missing work. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t in crisis. But he hadn’t felt genuine joy in years. His nervous system had quietly narrowed his range. That narrowing is often the first sign.

What Depression Feels Like for Men (Especially When You’re Still “Functioning”)

Depression in men often hides behind competence. Terry Real, a therapist who has written extensively about men and depression, distinguishes between overt depression and covert depression. Overt depression is what most of us recognize: visible sadness, withdrawal, a low mood that is easy to spot. Covert depression, which is especially common in men, looks different. It can show up as irritability instead of tears, as overworking instead of collapse, as emotional distance instead of vulnerability.

For high-functioning men, covert depression can feel like living in grayscale. You still wake up, get dressed, handle responsibilities, and meet expectations. But there is a subtle sense that life has lost texture. Food tastes the same. Wins at work land for a few minutes and then evaporate. Conversations feel slightly out of reach, even with people you love. You may not feel sad, but you also don’t feel deeply alive.

It is also important to distinguish depression from stress and burnout. Stress carries activation. Your system is keyed up, alert, sometimes anxious. Burnout often follows prolonged stress; you feel depleted but still somewhat wired underneath. Depression, particularly the shutdown variety, often feels like the charge has drained out entirely. There is less urgency, less access to emotion, and a heavier kind of fatigue. Many men in Oakland would tell me they were not overwhelmed; they were underwhelmed by their own lives. That difference matters.

Common Signs of Covert Depression in Men

When we talk about the symptoms of covert depression in men, we are not looking only for visible despair. We are looking for patterns that signal emotional constriction. Emotionally, this can look like chronic irritability, low-grade anger, apathy, or a persistent loss of pleasure in things that once mattered. Some men feel dysregulated and reactive, snapping at partners or colleagues in ways that surprise them. Others withdraw so subtly that no one notices except the people closest to them.

Behaviorally, covert depression often hides inside productivity. Overworking can become a socially acceptable way to avoid stillness. Late-night scrolling, increased alcohol use, gambling, pornography, or other compulsive behaviors may temporarily boost dopamine and create a fleeting sense of aliveness. I have sat with men who describe pouring another drink not because they want to party, but because it is the only moment in the evening when they feel something shift in their body. These strategies are not moral failures. They are attempts at regulation.

Relationally, depression often shows up as distance. Conversations stay logistical. Intimacy feels effortful. There may be more conflict, or in some cases, controlling or abusive behaviors fueled by unprocessed shame and anger. Physically, the body often signals what the mind minimizes: chronic fatigue, disrupted sleep, low libido, a heaviness in the chest or limbs. None of these signs alone define depression, but when they cluster together over time, they are worth taking seriously.

Why So Many Men Experience Depression (And Why It’s Not a Personal Failure)

Most men were never taught how to metabolize emotion in a sustainable way. They were taught how to manage it, suppress it, or push through it. In achievement-oriented environments like Oakland and the broader Bay Area, productivity is often tied to identity. Being capable, informed, strong, and stable becomes part of how you belong. Even in progressive communities, there can be a subtle expectation that you should be resilient enough to handle whatever comes your way.

Over time, the nervous system adapts to chronic pressure. If vulnerability feels unsafe or inconvenient, the system learns to dampen it. If there is no space to slow down, the body eventually chooses slowdown for you. Depression, in many cases, is an adaptation to prolonged overload. It is the nervous system shifting into conservation mode because mobilization has gone on too long.

I often tell men that what they are experiencing makes sense given the load they have been carrying. That does not mean it feels good. It means it is understandable. When we frame depression as an adaptive response rather than a character flaw, something softens. Shame decreases. And when shame decreases, curiosity can increase. That curiosity is often the beginning of change.

The Nervous System and Depression (And How Change Actually Happens)

From a nervous system perspective, many depressive states reflect a pattern of shutdown. The autonomic nervous system has different gears. One mobilizes you for action and performance. Another supports connection and calm engagement. A third, often called dorsal vagal activation, is associated with collapse or conservation. When the system perceives prolonged overwhelm, defeat, or inescapable stress, it may shift into this lower-energy state to protect you.

Shutdown does not always look dramatic. It can look like low motivation, reduced emotional access, slowed thinking, and a persistent sense of heaviness. This is different from anxiety, which is typically charged and agitated. Depression often feels slowed and muted. Understanding this physiology is not about labeling yourself; it is about recognizing that your body is participating in this experience.

Change happens through capacity building. Capacity means your nervous system can experience more sensation and emotion without tipping into overwhelm or collapse. This is where safety becomes central. Not intellectual safety, but felt safety in your body. When you can sense the support of the chair, the steadiness of your breath, the warmth in your chest as you speak, you are beginning to build regulation. Through repeated, manageable experiences of connection and presence, the brain and body rewire. Neuroplasticity is not dramatic. It is incremental. It is the accumulation of small, regulated moments.

Why Talking About It Isn’t Always Enough

Many of the men I work with have already done years of therapy. They can articulate their childhood dynamics, their attachment patterns, their defense strategies. They understand the story. And yet, they still feel numb. This is where it becomes clear that insight and embodied change are not the same thing.

Talking primarily engages the cognitive parts of the brain. It can create understanding, which is essential. But if the nervous system remains braced or collapsed, insight alone may not shift the underlying physiology. You can know exactly why you shut down and still find yourself unable to feel differently. This is not a failure of effort. It is a sign that the work needs to include the body.

Willpower and mindset strategies often fail because they try to override the nervous system rather than collaborate with it. When we approach depression as an embodied state, we begin to ask different questions. Instead of “Why am I like this?” we ask, “What is my system protecting me from right now?” That shift in orientation changes the work entirely.

What Somatic Work Offers Men Experiencing Depression

Somatic work begins with awareness of sensation. It invites you to slow down enough to notice what is happening in your body in real time. Where do you feel heaviness? Where do you feel numbness? What happens to your breath when you talk about your marriage, your father, your job? These are not abstract inquiries. They are grounded in lived experience.

In practice, this might look like orienting to the room and noticing what feels neutral or supportive. It might look like tracking subtle shifts in your chest as you speak about something meaningful. It might involve practicing short intervals of contact with difficult emotion and then returning to steadiness. The pacing matters. We build regulation before we approach intensity.

In-person work adds the dimension of co-regulation. Being in a room with other men who are practicing presence and nervous system awareness can help your own system recalibrate. Many high-functioning men have never experienced relational spaces that are not performance-based. When the body senses steadiness around it, something often softens. Numbness becomes less rigid. Emotion begins to move in manageable waves. This is not about dramatic catharsis. It is about restoring range.

Frequently Asked Questions About Depression in Men

Is irritability a sign of depression in men?
Yes, irritability can be a significant sign of depression in men. Because many men are socialized away from expressing sadness or vulnerability, depression may surface as anger, frustration, or low patience. If irritability is persistent and accompanied by fatigue, loss of pleasure, or withdrawal, it is worth exploring further with a mental health professional.

Can you be successful and still depressed?
Absolutely. External success does not inoculate you against internal shutdown. In high-achieving communities like Oakland, it is common for men to excel professionally while feeling disconnected emotionally. Depression is about your internal state, not your résumé.

How do I know if I need therapy or something else?
If you have experienced persistent low mood, numbness, or functional impairment for several weeks or more, speaking with a licensed therapist or medical provider is a wise step. Somatic approaches can complement traditional therapy, especially if you feel stuck in insight without embodied change. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Are somatic approaches evidence-based?
Yes. Somatic therapies draw from neuroscience, trauma research, and studies on autonomic nervous system regulation. They focus on how physiological states influence mood, behavior, and connection. Increasingly, research supports the role of body-based interventions in treating trauma and depressive symptoms.

When should I seek medical support for depression?
If you are experiencing persistent hopelessness, significant changes in sleep or appetite, or thoughts of self-harm, seek medical or psychiatric support immediately. In the Oakland area, there are crisis services and hospitals equipped to provide urgent care. Safety always comes first, and reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not failure.

SHIFT: A Somatic Weekend for Men in the Bay Area

If you recognize yourself in parts of this, you do not need to label yourself or make any dramatic decisions. You might simply be ready for a different kind of space. SHIFT: A Somatic Weekend for Men in the Bay Area is designed for high-functioning men who are tired of feeling disconnected from themselves. It is not a motivational seminar or a place to perform insight. It is a guided, paced environment where you learn about your nervous system and practice regulation in real time.

Over the course of a weekend, we focus on building safety, expanding capacity, and restoring range. There is education, but there is also experience. There are conversations, but there is also silence and sensation. For men in Oakland and the surrounding Bay Area, it offers something simple and increasingly rare: a room where you can stop performing and start noticing. Sometimes that is where feeling begins again.

For further reading check out: What Is Covert Depression in Men? Deep Dive into Hidden Struggles