I Don’t Give a F*ck About Masculinity
Why your nervous system, not your masculine identity, holds the key to healing
There’s a phrase I’ve carried for years but never thought I’d say publicly. Not because it wasn’t true for me, but because I knew it would be misunderstood, especially in the circles I’ve spent years moving through: retreats, men’s coaching programs, somatic groups doing powerful work at the intersection of masculinity and healing.
Here it is:
I don’t give a f*ck about masculinity.
I don’t say it to dismiss the good work others are doing. I say it because, in my experience, masculinity and healing are often treated as synonymous. And they’re not. What most men need is not a deeper connection to their masculinity, but a deeper connection to safety in their nervous system.
I watched others build frameworks around masculinity and healing. It never resonated with me.
For years, I observed how central masculinity was in the spaces I worked in. Men were guided to embody their masculine energy, lean into archetypes, reclaim the wild man. Some of it was useful. Much of it was inspiring. But when it came to healing, I saw something missing.
I read The Way of the Superior Man, a book that deeply influenced modern men’s work. But I struggled with it. Not just because it was abstract and overly intellectual, but because it felt out of touch with my lived experience. As a gay Filipino man, the heteronormative lens didn’t reflect my reality. And more than that, the language felt distant from the body. It offered an ideal, but not a way to feel safe enough to live into it.
I didn’t reject the idea of masculinity. I just didn’t see it as the doorway to healing. I didn’t want to perform a version of manhood. I wanted to feel human.
Over time, I began to trust that intuition. What I saw in my clients, my retreat participants, and my community was clear. Healing doesn’t begin with masculinity. It begins with the body.
The nervous system doesn’t care how masculine you are
Whether a man is deeply in touch with his masculine energy or not, his nervous system is always working to keep him safe. That’s where true masculinity and healing begin. Not in theory, but in physiology.
Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory tells us that our bodies are constantly scanning for cues of safety or danger. When we sense threat, physical or emotional, our autonomic nervous system shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. These aren’t choices. They’re survival responses.
Most of the men I work with are living in what’s called functional freeze. On the surface, they’re doing fine. They’re providing, leading, achieving. But internally, they feel numb. Disconnected. They’ve lost touch with joy, tenderness, even desire.
This isn’t a reflection of failed masculinity. It’s a sign that their nervous system has been stuck in a chronic state of threat for too long. Masculinity and healing must include this biological reality.
Because no amount of archetype work or masculine embodiment can release trauma that’s stored in the body. And when the healing journey focuses only on reclaiming masculinity without addressing the nervous system, it can unintentionally cause more harm than good.
Somatic healing for men requires presence, not performance
The cornerstone of my work is helping men build a felt sense of safety. That doesn’t start with defining or refining their masculinity. It starts with being in the body, noticing what’s happening under the surface.
Somatic healing for men isn’t about fixing. It’s about feeling. It’s about building enough capacity to stay present with the sensations, emotions, and impulses that arise. It’s about learning to regulate the nervous system gently and consistently.
Through modalities like Somatic Experiencing, we track small shifts: jaw tension, chest constriction, collapsed posture. We learn how to work with the nervous system, not against it. Over time, men begin to notice that the anxiety softens. The numbness lifts. The need to perform falls away.
When safety is restored in the body, identity becomes fluid. Men no longer feel the pressure to be more masculine or to reject it altogether. They simply feel more themselves.
This is where the real conversation around masculinity and healing needs to go. Not into broader theories, but into more precise embodiment.
Masculinity has value, but it’s not the foundation of healing
Let me be clear. I’m not anti-masculinity. I’m not interested in shaming men for finding meaning in masculine identity. Masculinity and healing can absolutely coexist. But masculinity can’t lead the healing journey.
When it becomes the starting point, it risks becoming another mask. Another performance. Another role to live up to.
And for many men, especially those carrying trauma or unresolved grief, that performance adds more pressure to an already overwhelmed system.
Instead of asking men to reclaim their masculinity, we need to ask:
What does safety feel like in your body?
What happens when you slow down?
Can you feel your breath right now?
That’s the work. That’s where healing begins. Only then, once the system has softened and once the body has exhaled, can a man begin to explore identity from a grounded, regulated place.
This is what we practice at SHIFT
At SHIFT Men’s Retreat, we don’t teach men how to be more masculine. We teach them how to feel again. We guide them into nervous system healing, emotional regulation, and embodied presence.
We don’t rush. We don’t fix. We create conditions for the body to unwind so the man can return to himself.
Whether you're burned out, disconnected, or simply unsure of who you are anymore, this work meets you there. We’re not here to tell you who to be. We’re here to help you remember how to feel like yourself again.
And for many men, that’s the most radical healing of all.
If you’re ready to explore masculinity and healing in a new way
You don’t need to be more masculine to be more whole.
You don’t need to perform to be worthy of rest.
You don’t need to do it alone.
This path begins in the body. With breath. With sensation. With safety.
And when you’re ready, I’ll be here.
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